Crisp, Cool Sheets

Yes. I was born to be a housewife.

Suddenly, last night, my mood changed.

What happened?

I finished the semester at college. I took the final exam.

So relieved was I, that as I walked the 7 blocks back to my car parked just off campus, I actually heard myself make an audible sigh.

***sigh***

"One less thing to have to worry about."

I can tell when I am happy. Sometimes it surprises me. There were so many years where I was not happy.

But today, I was singing! I graded about 120 papers without even batting an eye! I started deep cleaning my house. I washed 3 loads of laundry; whites, colors and darks.

Just how happy I was didn't sink in until about 20 minutes ago when I suddenly realized that I was ironing and starching my bedsheets.... and singing at the top of my lungs. (quite well I might add...)

Yes, I was meant to be a housewife. I love doing household chores. It is my career that gets in the way of my happiness. Perhaps that is why I have been so cross all semester, I am going to college for my masters. What symbolizes the antithesis of housewifedom more than a masters degree??

Oh, I had my chance at being a housewife. I was married to a guy who had a career that could have definitely kept us living in the manner in which we had become accustomed on our dual-income, 6-figure lifestyle-- even had I quit being a teacher to become a wife and mother.

But even with the cushion of disposable income, I was not happy. Not at all.

I don't know that I ever was happy being married.

Wait. Yes. There were five days.

My wedding day and the five days afterward were all good. Then it all went to piss-- for five years.

I have realized that I made a decision without even realizing it. I must have decided along the way that I wasn't going to waste anymore time allowing myself to never be happy again. That was a good decision. When I think back to a lot of my actions in the past year and a half, I can see myself being very decisive about this time and time again.

But one thing is true and is something I will have to learn to accept and be happy about at the same time. That is, the resignation to the idea that I will never be that stay-at-home mom. I will always be this: A career woman who longs for the free-time to get the sheets ironed and starched.

I Should've Taken a Left Turn in Albuquerque

Yesterday, I pulled into a Taco Bueno and had lunch at 2PM. I decided not to deny myself, (as I usually do), and I ordered the #3. This is Mexidips and Chips/ Muchaco Value Meal and I got a Diet Coke.
I didn't want to have to drag it back into school because I knew I had no place other than the Teacher's Lounge to eat it. I didn't want to go in there.

So, I pulled into a sunny parking spot and ate in the car while I listened to conservative talk radio.

As I munched, I remembered.

**************

When I lived in New Mexico, I had a 45 mile commute. Oftentimes, I was very hungry as I left school. Teaching ninth graders has a way of wearing you out.

I had to drive across the West Mesa, and onto two different interstate highways, across a mountain pass, through the foothills and into the area where the forest meets the high plains where my house was. I usually got home sometimes between 4:30 and 5PM.


There was a time when I hated going home, but was afraid of NOT going home. Life with an addict is difficult. You feel trapped. You want to escape and not have to face it.... yet compelled to rush home to rescue if necessary. You are a prisoner to responsibility, because the addict doesn't care.

And you want to do the right thing.

Life like this doesn't leave much time for you. You start to relish little rewards for yourself that you know you can get away with without consequence. You can't take yourself shopping, because that takes money and you never know when living with an addict if the mortgage money will be there. There may be a 600 dollar package of pills that arrived from UPS while you were gone at work.

You never know.

There was no Taco Bueno in Albuquerque. But there was Taco Cabana!

On days when I dreaded going home, I would make a special detour from my normal route, go to the Taco Cabana and order whatever I wanted.

Six or seven dollars won't break the bank, you see.... and I would sit in my car and eat my nachos. I was alone, doing something just for myself and enjoying a treat just for me..... and I
thought.

*******************

Sitting in my car eating my nachos yesterday made me remember those days and I thanked God that they were over forever.