Monday, April 16, 2007

Shot in the arm

I go to college on Monday night. The class is from 6PM to 9PM and tonight we had a test on quantum theory and thermodynamics so it was a LONG DAY.

About 3 minutes before 9 the guy sitting behind me makes an explosive sneeze. No build up.

I felt the BLAST of wet air. Then, I felt something else. It was warm, almost the same temperature as my arm so I wasn't sure at first if I was actually feeling anything at all. Then, as the thing cooled a bit in the air conditioning.... I knew.

That bastard sneezed something very thick and wet onto the back of my arm and it was sitting on my skin. MY SKIN!!!!

I had been shot! Not with a bullet, but with SNOT!

This was too much. I wanted to scream out, "NO!!!! NOT SNOT!!!!!"

But thankfully, I thought first....

There were two lines of action as I saw it.
1) I could pull my arm around and take a look. The stupid man behind me, "The Sneezer" would have probably seen me look and I know he would have made eye contact with me. Upon seeing the snot wound with my own eyes, I would have had to exclaimed loudly, "GROSS!!!!!". I mean, how could I not??


2) I could go about my business and make a bee-line for the nearest bathroom. Then there wouldn't be that awkwardness as our eyes met again in lab groups the following week.

In a hideous hundredth of a second I made choice #2.

Yes, that was the best choice, after all--- it was now 2 minutes before 9PM. Class was over.

As soon as the teacher shut up, I grabbed my books and purse and sped out the door.

I was going to go upstairs to the closest restroom, but one of my friends stopped me and wanted to talk about the test. I fidgeted and my eyes darted about.... I HAD TO GET TO A BATHROOM!

I had to act nonchalant otherwise I would give away my secret. My SNOT WOUND!

My friend kept talking to me, wouldn't shut up.... he held the door and looked at me quizzically as I hesitated before following him. You see, the bathroom was in the opposite direction.

Could I possibly forgo the wipe??? At this point the snot was starting to drip down a bit and get sticky. I followed my friend and got further from the bathroom with each step. At this point it became obvious to my friend that I was walking the wrong way. He asked, "Hey, didn't you park in the garage?" I answered yes, and he bid me farewell and I left him.

Now I was on the opposite side of the Life Science building and nowhere near the bathroom.

The Life Science building was built in the 1950s. It was originally only built with one ladies' restroom in all of the six floors. Women in those days were scarce in the science field. Some other restrooms have since been converted to ladies' restrooms, but no new restrooms have been added.... and oddly they all still have a line of sparkling clean urinals in them. These conversions are on other floors and in odd cubby holes of the building. I was way out of the way and wasn't walking toward any of them anymore. I was actually at this point outside the building.

The parking garage was across the street. I could actually see the roof of my car parked on the second floor of the garage. Could I just drive home as fast as I could and jump in the shower?
By this time the snot was cold and sticky in the wind.

I would not dare touch it....

I made a mad dash to the stairs and climbed the stairwell, skipping two steps at a time--- up up up.

I made it to the car.

I was practically puking. The thought of the coagulated snot on the back of my arm made me sick.

I called my mom. She laughed at me and sympathized and suggested that I go home and boil my arm.

I had to drive home in a awkward position because I didn't want my arm to touch my soft, charcoal leather interior. Luckily, I only live four minutes away from the university.

Shot by an explosive sneezer! I was stripping off clothes as I made my way though the house. By the time I reached the master bedroom, I was completely naked.

I ran the hottest water in the shower stall and jumped in.

Clean at last, clean at last, thank God Almighty, I am clean at last!


Anonymous said...

Just be thankful that it was a "lugie" from a nose and not a bullet from a "luger". . . .

Ergo, my original complaint about men not using handkerchiefs

Ed said...


oakleyses said...

converse, ugg, ugg, converse shoes, swarovski, coach outlet store online, juicy couture, juicy couture outlet, pandora jewelry, toms shoes, ray ban, ugg boots clearance, karen millen, links of london, marc jacobs, rolex watches, wedding dresses, ugg pas cher, ralph lauren, sac lancel, cheap uggs, ugg boots, pandora charms, uggs, abercrombie, hollister, gucci, supra shoes, ugg outlet, swarovski crystal, uggs outlet, pandora charms, montre homme, air max, thomas sabo, louboutin, ugg, vans

oakleyses said...

michael kors outlet, coach factory outlet, michael kors outlet, coach outlet, tiffany and co, air max, louboutin shoes, coach outlet store online, burberry outlet, jordan shoes, burberry outlet, prada outlet, longchamp outlet, ray ban sunglasses, kate spade handbags, oakley sunglasses cheap, nike shoes, longchamp handbags, michael kors outlet, chanel handbags, air max, polo ralph lauren, gucci outlet, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, true religion jeans, christian louboutin, michael kors outlet, oakley sunglasses, ray ban sunglasses, prada handbags, coach purses, michael kors outlet online sale, louboutin, louboutin outlet, rolex watches, polo ralph lauren outlet, tory burch outlet, nike free, longchamp handbags, tiffany and co, kate spade outlet

oakleyses said...

nike free pas cher, nike roshe run pas cher, air max, ray ban sunglasses, air jordan, michael kors, lululemon outlet online, air max pas cher, michael kors pas cher, north face, hollister, hollister, ray ban pas cher, true religion outlet, nike tn, true religion outlet, nike blazer, sac longchamp pas cher, sac guess, air max, vanessa bruno, sac hermes, polo lacoste, true religion jeans, polo ralph lauren, sac burberry, new balance pas cher, oakley pas cher, nike air max, vans pas cher, abercrombie and fitch, hogan outlet, timberland, converse pas cher, longchamp, nike free, michael kors uk, north face, ralph lauren, louboutin, nike air force, mulberry

oakleyses said...

babyliss pro, valentino shoes, nfl jerseys, north face outlet, reebok outlet, soccer jerseys, nike roshe, new balance shoes, hollister clothing store, mcm handbags, ferragamo shoes, timberland boots, jimmy choo outlet, nike roshe run, abercrombie and fitch, lululemon outlet, north face jackets, p90x, soccer shoes, mont blanc, instyler, nike trainers, ghd, oakley, mac cosmetics, chi flat iron, insanity workout, baseball bats, longchamp, nike huaraches, birkin bag, celine handbags, iphone 6 cases, air max, giuseppe zanotti, vans shoes, asics running shoes, beats by dre, herve leger, bottega veneta, hollister, wedding dresses